Why not?

 

It was, of course, inevitable.  With cable and satellite television becoming increasingly larger, yet bringing no appreciable improvement in quality, someone was bound to break into this market with fresh ideas and what watchable programming.  So, instead of waiting for it to happen, we propose the world’s first pick-and-choose cable system.  But unlike the major cable and satellite networks, this cable system offers the subscriber the chance to pick his or her channels of choice without having to buy into an entire package of programming.  Furthermore, this cable system boasts an all-new selection of channels.  It seems to be an idea whose time has come.

 

Basic Services ($20/month package)

The Rain Network

CBLC (Cereal Box Label Comparison Network

Really Really Loud Channel

GFPN (Granite & Feldspar Programming Network)

The Alaska Channel

Emergency Testing Network

OED-HDTV (Oxford English Dictionary in High Definition)

Flatware Network

SAC (Silly Acronym Channel)

Denture Channel

The Sociology Channel

Osmosis TV

The Historical Forgetfulness Channel

Beefsteak Channel

The Whether Channel

Left-Handed Network

Women’s TV (Something as stupid as this could not possible already exist)

MTVC (Music TV Videos of Clothed People)

TBS (Testosterone Broadcasting Service)

Expanded Basic Cable ($1/mo. per channel)

The Silent Channel

The Projectile Channel

TATV (Tel Aviv TV)

Redundant Channel

Donut TV

Impudent Programming Network

Dime-alodeon

BFEN (Body Fluids Entertainment Network)

Philatelist

VDBPTV (Various Disgusting Bodily Processes TV

Lesions!

The Serious Channel

Ebert & Michael Yaccarino Channel

The Bait Channel

Noise Channel

Egg Sandwich Reviews

Monster Trucking Network

Tax Tips for Unemployed Accountants TV

Dysentery TV

RSPN (Road Salt Programming Network)

SWAGTV

Haiku TV

 

Optional Services ($4/mo. per channel)

Expatriate TV

P! Profanity

Children’s Surgery Channel

Offending Orifice Programming

VDTV

BESPN (British Excuses for Sporting Events Programming Network

The Warbling Channel

The Fellini Network

Upper GI Series Television Systems

FHED Up Channel (Feminine Hygiene and Erectile Dysfunction Channel)

Long-term Memory Loss Channel (airs the same programming year after year)

Premium Channels ($14.95/mo.per channel

Borg Channel

MBTCTV (Martin Buber/Teilhard de Chardin TV)

Don Rickles TV

Spleen TV

Phrenum!

CSPHAN (Cable Satellite Public Hanging Network

Kill an Info-mercial Spokesperson Channel

Tragedy Channel

BBC (The Barney Broadcasting Company)

Buddhist Television Network

MSG (Monosodium Glutamate)

Home Popcorn Stand

Home Flogging Network

Tapeworm Television

Knoxville Network (Second-rate Country music)

OMN (Overbearing Media Network)

Trump Network

OoFG Network (Offspring of Famous Gangsters Network)

Scatology Network

AMF (American Movie Flops)

PPC (Pay per commercial)

White Entertainment TV

LTV (Lyric Television)

Single Parent Family Television

SNN (Sensationalist News Network)

ESPNCSEF (ESPN Classic Sporting Event Fights Channel)

 

Super-Premium Channels ($39.99/mo.)

HBN (Harold Bloom Network)

CSILO Channel (CSI Law and Order Channel; only airs shows that have at least one spinoff airing concurrently)

Reality TV (“Because people can’t bear to live their own lives”)

 

News from the Motion Picture Association

The 78% Rule:  The de facto rule of thumb for movie production in America has become official, as the Motion Picture Association has declared that 78% of all new motion pictures created in America must by law be either sequels or remakes of older films.  The remaining 22% of films must star Jude Law.  Production companies incorporating Jude Law into sequels or remakes will receive $10,000,000 for their efforts.